Category Archives: OC

Small Magical Facts

Oh dear. I suppose I really ought to collect these somewhere instead of letting them wander about unsupervised. To summarize, I read something I really liked and decided to write some lore of my own. Enjoy.

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Stamps carried in the wallet will fly swiftly and return bearing money, but only when the book is folded stamp-side out. If the stamps are folded inward, the letter is likely to go missing. #SmallMagicalFacts

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Coffee has the ability to shift time. When it is hot, it borrows from the future. But as it cools, it begins to absorb from the past. The bitter flavor isn’t from coffee, it’s from your own life. #SmallMagicalFacts

PS: Cold Brew borrows from neither the past nor the future, but from a place outside time. Do not drink too much, there are things that hide in the dark areas where such liquors issue.

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Contrary to popular belief, the Hour of the Dead happens twice: 4 PM and 4 AM. The dead are always there, the only difference is that there are far less living beings to get in the way at night.

#SmallMagicalFacts

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Humans are the only species with a natural affinity for knots.

Strangely, humans themselves are almost universally unaware of their abilities, and will curse luck or fate or any number of imaginary malevolent forces for a tangled set of earbuds, or a seat belt that won’t unlatch, or a paramour who won’t take the fucking hint.

The last human knot-adept was Gordias of Phrygia, who’s works were historically reduced to a single act of vandalism. In recent times, humans have retaken the mantle and have made inroads into understanding their own abilities with the rather anachronistic phrase, “Mathematical Topology.”

(Author’s note: At the time of this writing, human libraries and colleges have made surprising developments in a field they’re choosing to call “Quantum entanglement.” They do not, however, appear to understand that they themselves are the cause of their own observations. The ability to compartmentalize their realms of study may be a natural side-effect of their untapped abilities. Certain unscrupulous academics have suggested Gifting a likely human and observing the results, but this publication could not possibly condone such a hasty and potentially dangerous undertaking. See related subjects: Tunguska, Tambora.)

#SmallMagicalFacts

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HOW TO SUMMON A BUS. (A spell.)

Nat Sherman Black Gold cigarettes. Remove from pack, tap 3 times then pause, then 3 times then pause, then 3 times again against your left hand. Turn widdershins from the road to 5 o’clock.

Intone, “These fucking things are always late” but do not look anyone in the eyes.

Light the cigarette, take a small drag, but do not smoke the rest of the cigarette.

Your bus will arrive before the coal extinguishes itself.

#SmallMagicalFacts

Departmental Memoranda

Wherein our intrepid reporter wastes time with his coworkers.

R: Accidents on paseo and east bound I-40, been on the road an hour already.

E: West Siiiiiiiiiiiiiide!

R: Lol! Yup

E: Did two donkey carriages crash into each other blocking the dirt road passage through the alfalfa field?

Me: South Valley people kinda nod their head in embarrassment and say, “Yeah. Again.”
Corrales people get jealous.
NE Heights folks ask “Whats an alfalfa?”
SE Heights people steal the donkeys and turn the carts into taco trucks.

My boss has threatened to create a departmental blog and make this the first post.

Weaponized Snacking

So I did a thing where I took a simple recipe and adapted it with a few changes and… aw hell.

I have been teaching myself to bake. First it was biscuits, then it was Focaccia, and now it’s this weird West Virginian thing called a “Pepperoni Roll.” I’m goaded into it by That Girl I Know, so blame her. It’s comin’ on the Holidays, and as the newly minted baker in the Taggart family it’s up to me to keep the table supplied with tasty shiznit. So today being a day off for me, I decided to do some experimentation.

This recipe is dangerous. Continue reading Weaponized Snacking

Farmer semantics

“Son, go get me some eatin’ cheese.”

I craned my neck backwards of the armrest of the couch and fixed one eye on my father. “What’d you call it?”

“Eatin’ cheese. I want some cheese to gnaw on, an’ I know your mother went to the store jus’ yestiday.”

“Yeah, that. What the hell is eatin’ cheese, dad? All cheese is meant to be ‘et.”

“No that ain’t true, there’s eatin’ cheese and then there’s cookin’ cheese.”

“Cookin… you mean shredded cheese, pop?”

“Yeah, that’s cheese you cook with.”

“Pop that’s ridiculous, I’ve seen you eat shredded cheese outta the package with both hands. All cheese is meant to be eaten. You wouldn’t say ‘Bring me some welding-cheese’ would you?”

My father sighed, and pointed to the Kitchen. Grumbling, I pulled myself out of the Dave-sized imprint in the couch and padded to the kitchen to fix a nosh plate.

“Bring some pickles and a couple beers while yer up!” he hollered from the living room.

Scooby Fuck-you

A grey floating fog grabbed hold of my right ankle and started to drag me bodily down the hall as my friends screamed and panicked. I saw the dim fluorescent blubs flickering overhead as we picked up speed, my jacket and shirt torn away so the tender flesh of my back began to skid against cold tile. There was a roaring, and I felt blood trickling across my face.

To which I mentally told myself, FUCK ALL THIS and curled my head up to my knees. I could hear my Pilates teacher screaming at me from beyond time, “PULL! PULLPULLPULL PULLLLL! SQUEEZE ALL THE THINGS! (Ho boy, hyou’re gonna really hate me for dees.) ENGAGE YEER MAASCLES!”

Thank you Mrs. Bollet, I thought as my hands reached up and plunged into the clammy velvetty mass of ectoplasm. I grabbed. I tore. I dug. I constricted. My faceless attacker let out a wail like a fog horn and collapsed, leaving me to skid a dozen feet on my ass. I gobbled and shoveled ghost-essence into my foam-ringed smacker, making noises not unlike a kitten feasting on an especially plump and blood-gorged mouse. I leaped from wall to wall grabbing chunks of ethereal flesh as they tried to wriggle away from my hungry wrath.

Finally, it was over. I burped a small puff of evil and patted my rotund stomach. Ken and Robin and especially Eric, all looked on with admiration and horror.

Make a teenage horror victim outta ME why don’tcha.

A bit nutty…

When you have as many fatal allergies as I have, one develops a certain relationship with one’s upper-respiratory system. Obsessed is a nice way of putting it. Ghoulish is perhaps more accurate. I’ve had something along the order of 40 bacterial sinus infections in my life. That’s a little more than one for every year I’ve been alive. The one thing you never forget, and I’ve confirmed this with other sufferers who might’ve benefited from a custom fit space suit every spring is the taste.

It’s musky, fungus-like, with a texture not unlike the lumps in tapioca pudding. It’s also the one symptom that cannot be counterfeited or ignored. Right up to the point one spits that telltale loogie into the desk-side waste basket, the symptoms can be explained any number of ways: “Oh it’s just a cold. Perhaps I need to up my Claritin dose. There was a lot of smoke in the club last night. Changing altitudes can ratchet up the pressure. I just forgot to neti-pot last night.”

It’s the classic delusion, explaining to your grandkids that the recurring tightness in your chest is just a pulled muscle. Because whatever the cost, you do NOT want another course of Amoxiclav. Better to weep bloody tears and try scraping your honker out with a bottle brush than spend a week on the commode.

Today I am at the crux of a decision: Do I make an appointment for 10 days of antibiotic hell, or do I attempt to let this disease run it’s course? What do you think, Internet?

Contributions to the Political Process

I received an email from a relative today asking me about a suspicious email from her ISP, Comcast, suggesting she upgrade her hardware for “Speed” purposes. I spent a fair bit of time composing a response, which I will now share here for posterity. I welcome feedback on this issue from my fellow net professionals in the interest of creating a more coherent argument. TIA!


Short Story: It’s a legitimate Comcast email, but they’re trying to scam you. Disregard!

Long story: So it’s funny, your current hardware is perfectly capable. And you won’t necessarily get better speed with the new hardware. So the question becomes, “Why does Comcast want to change out my hardware?”

See, Comcast is in competition with Netflix. That’s not a secret.

What Comcast would like to keep secret is how they’re causing direct interference with competing web services through the use of something called traffic shaping.

Let’s say you have the Comcast Basic, and you’re speed is set at 10Mbps. That means you can download about 1 megabyte of stuff every second. With your current hardware, this won’t change. BUT! Lets say you’re watching an episode of Sherlock through Netflix or Amazon or YouTube or whatever. Comcast would prefer that you use THEIR streaming video service, XFinity. They don’t want you to use Netflix. Can they do anything to convince you to prefer XFinity over Netflix?

What they’d like to do is slow down your connection to Netflix so it runs maybe at 2Mbps instead of 10. So now your Sherlock episode is freezing and looks kinda blotchy and the sound keeps going in and out.

“THEY CAN’T DO THAT!” Oh yes they can! Or at least, they’d like you to think that way. Then when you call technical support to complain, they’ll say, “Oh gee, it looks like streaming through XFinity is working fine, why don’t you just use that?” And that’s how they’re attempting to take money away from Netflix.

Illegal? Maybe. Currently there’s a political movement called Net Neutrality which would ban these sort of shenanigans. I am, of course, very interested in the outcome of this particular battle. But, you might be wondering what this has to do with your email you’re receiving from Comcast.

Important Bit: They can’t slow down your connection to Netflix with your old hardware!

That’s why they want you to upgrade. The bit about you getting better speed? Blatant lie. Hold on to your current hardware as long as you can. Comcast is trying to stiff you.

Summary: Don’t listen to Comcast, they’re scummy and shysters and they wanna charge you more for doing things you’re already used to doing. Sorry for the long response, but I felt it important that you understand the level of duplicity you’re dealing with. I HIGHLY recommend watching this 3 1/2 minute video on Net Neutrality by noted Internet Smart Guy, CGP Grey.

Thanks for asking, love you, and have a great weekend!