Wherein our intrepid reporter wastes time with his coworkers.
R: Accidents on paseo and east bound I-40, been on the road an hour already.
E: West Siiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
R: Lol! Yup
E: Did two donkey carriages crash into each other blocking the dirt road passage through the alfalfa field?
Me: South Valley people kinda nod their head in embarrassment and say, “Yeah. Again.”
Corrales people get jealous.
NE Heights folks ask “Whats an alfalfa?”
SE Heights people steal the donkeys and turn the carts into taco trucks.
My boss has threatened to create a departmental blog and make this the first post.
Hannah: We were thinking about buying a new one.
Dave: Maybe it’s got a breaker on the back.
Microwave: “TERRIBLE DEATH IF YOU EVEN POINT A SCREWDRIVER AT ME!”
Dave: Yeah, not gonna risk a cap that could weld my finger to my thumb.
Hannah: You can totally go pick up another one on Thursday.
iFixit.com: Didja replace the fuse?
Dave: It has a fuse?
eBay: Here’s a guide! Did I mention I’ve got aftermarket parts?
Dave: Sooooo I should just disregard the warnings?
Hannah: What’s the worst that can happen? Dead microwave right?
Dave: And little bits of dave scattered all over the house.
Hannah: Just think of the satisfaction you’ll have when you fix it!
Dave: I do enjoy fixing things…
Scooter: DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED SOMETHING TO FIX?!
There I am, minding my dishwashing, listening to euro-something, when a truly painful pun occurs to me: Continue reading Wretched, just, ugh! Horrible.
Side effects of going without sweets, booze, meats, and processed grains for a month:
- An avocado is a treasured treat.
- Indian cuisine makes MUCH more sense.
- You know hundreds of hidden names for carbohydrates.
- Companies add sugar to ridiculous things, such as mustard and mayonnaise.
- You can closely estimate weight and volume in both Metric and Imperial.
- Going to bed hungry is no longer scary.
- You wonder what ever made you like Wendy’s Hamburgers.
- Cheese is amazing and you want it all the time.
When you have as many fatal allergies as I have, one develops a certain relationship with one’s upper-respiratory system. Obsessed is a nice way of putting it. Ghoulish is perhaps more accurate. I’ve had something along the order of 40 bacterial sinus infections in my life. That’s a little more than one for every year I’ve been alive. The one thing you never forget, and I’ve confirmed this with other sufferers who might’ve benefited from a custom fit space suit every spring is the taste.
It’s musky, fungus-like, with a texture not unlike the lumps in tapioca pudding. It’s also the one symptom that cannot be counterfeited or ignored. Right up to the point one spits that telltale loogie into the desk-side waste basket, the symptoms can be explained any number of ways: “Oh it’s just a cold. Perhaps I need to up my Claritin dose. There was a lot of smoke in the club last night. Changing altitudes can ratchet up the pressure. I just forgot to neti-pot last night.”
It’s the classic delusion, explaining to your grandkids that the recurring tightness in your chest is just a pulled muscle. Because whatever the cost, you do NOT want another course of Amoxiclav. Better to weep bloody tears and try scraping your honker out with a bottle brush than spend a week on the commode.
Today I am at the crux of a decision: Do I make an appointment for 10 days of antibiotic hell, or do I attempt to let this disease run it’s course? What do you think, Internet?