Small Magical Facts

Oh dear. I suppose I really ought to collect these somewhere instead of letting them wander about unsupervised. To summarize, I read something I really liked and decided to write some lore of my own. Enjoy.

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Stamps carried in the wallet will fly swiftly and return bearing money, but only when the book is folded stamp-side out. If the stamps are folded inward, the letter is likely to go missing. #SmallMagicalFacts

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Coffee has the ability to shift time. When it is hot, it borrows from the future. But as it cools, it begins to absorb from the past. The bitter flavor isn’t from coffee, it’s from your own life. #SmallMagicalFacts

PS: Cold Brew borrows from neither the past nor the future, but from a place outside time. Do not drink too much, there are things that hide in the dark areas where such liquors issue.

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Contrary to popular belief, the Hour of the Dead happens twice: 4 PM and 4 AM. The dead are always there, the only difference is that there are far less living beings to get in the way at night.

#SmallMagicalFacts

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Humans are the only species with a natural affinity for knots.

Strangely, humans themselves are almost universally unaware of their abilities, and will curse luck or fate or any number of imaginary malevolent forces for a tangled set of earbuds, or a seat belt that won’t unlatch, or a paramour who won’t take the fucking hint.

The last human knot-adept was Gordias of Phrygia, who’s works were historically reduced to a single act of vandalism. In recent times, humans have retaken the mantle and have made inroads into understanding their own abilities with the rather anachronistic phrase, “Mathematical Topology.”

(Author’s note: At the time of this writing, human libraries and colleges have made surprising developments in a field they’re choosing to call “Quantum entanglement.” They do not, however, appear to understand that they themselves are the cause of their own observations. The ability to compartmentalize their realms of study may be a natural side-effect of their untapped abilities. Certain unscrupulous academics have suggested Gifting a likely human and observing the results, but this publication could not possibly condone such a hasty and potentially dangerous undertaking. See related subjects: Tunguska, Tambora.)

#SmallMagicalFacts

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HOW TO SUMMON A BUS. (A spell.)

Nat Sherman Black Gold cigarettes. Remove from pack, tap 3 times then pause, then 3 times then pause, then 3 times again against your left hand. Turn widdershins from the road to 5 o’clock.

Intone, “These fucking things are always late” but do not look anyone in the eyes.

Light the cigarette, take a small drag, but do not smoke the rest of the cigarette.

Your bus will arrive before the coal extinguishes itself.

#SmallMagicalFacts

BOXES Daddy!

So I was unboxing and shelving catfood, and throwing the cardboard on the floor, when I heard a flurry of excited meowing.


I chuckled and gave her another.



“Got enough box there, Chief?”

“NEVAR!”

Last Train…

“No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it up to forced consciousness expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.”

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

— Hunter S. Thompson

Departmental Memoranda

Wherein our intrepid reporter wastes time with his coworkers.

R: Accidents on paseo and east bound I-40, been on the road an hour already.

E: West Siiiiiiiiiiiiiide!

R: Lol! Yup

E: Did two donkey carriages crash into each other blocking the dirt road passage through the alfalfa field?

Me: South Valley people kinda nod their head in embarrassment and say, “Yeah. Again.”
Corrales people get jealous.
NE Heights folks ask “Whats an alfalfa?”
SE Heights people steal the donkeys and turn the carts into taco trucks.

My boss has threatened to create a departmental blog and make this the first post.

Blow you to Smithereenies

Last night as Hannah and I were just falling asleep came a horrible squawking from the chicken coop. Unusual enough by itself, but it happened again. And again. “Shall I go check it out?” “Yes, please, right now.” Hannah replied. I grabbed the flashlight from my desk and held it to the back window, sweeping the yard. Just at the corner of the coop two amber eyes gleamed back at me. LARGE eyes.

“Hannah? I need a robe and my keys. Now please.”

Pulled on pants, robe, grabbed what turned out to be a cobweb duster, and ran barefoot to the back yard. The racoon had already mounted the wall and was ambling north. I waved blue bristles in his direction and made noises like a bear with bad diarrhea. He stared at me in what appeared to be contempt, either for the ridiculous noises I was making or for my lack of adequate armament I couldn’t be sure. Nevertheless I continued to push forward and he continued to avoid me. Eventually he threw me a final dirty look over his shoulder and disappeared into my neighbors yard.

This morning, I went and bought two things that I’d never had reason to own: A high-power BB rifle and slip-on boots.

I got no small amount of shade walking through the mall with my purchases. One older woman in overalls eyeballed me and sucked her teeth in disapproval. I made sure to give her a sunny smile and a V for victory. Now that I’m home and I have this strange thing next to my bed do I realize that I’ve one more trapping of being a farmer:

20160924_160330
A varmint gun.

The Fish, the Barrel, the Smoking Gun

Recently I listed some furniture for sale on craigslist, including my address and the amount desired. This afternoon I got the following email:

Am still interested in the item, but the only delay i am having now is your mailing address so that i can be able to mail out the payment to you, please kindly get back to me with the following information such as….

Full Name
The Mailing Address including your Zip code
Your cell Phone number as well.
Last Asking Price:

Please kindly get back to me as soon as possible so i will be able to forward the information to my secretary so the payment can be mail out to you.

I will be looking to read from you quickly.

Best regard

My response:

Haha sure why not.

Gristle McThornbody
2600 Marble Ave NE
Albuquerque, NM, USA
87106
No cell.
$500

I suspected that would be the end of it, until:

Your real name is

David Taggart

Delighted, I responded:

NO! Gosh, I always thought I was adopted! How did you know?!?

They weren’t so amused:

You will die i will stangel you with your mothers intestines fuck you

But I’m not letting them get away so easily.

YOU KNOW MY MOTHER?! This is the better news than I could’ve ever hoped for!

Is she pretty? Does she miss me? Does she need furniture too??

Stay tuned boys and girls on this developing family reunion!

Process Documentation as Performance Art

A small excerpt from a guide I wrote this morning:

Setting Session-level credentials in a Browser Driven Script..
Doesn’t work. I opened a case with Vendor A, 12345, in which they said “Talk to Vendor B.” I opened a case with Vendor B, 54321, in which they said, “Talk to Vendor A.”
So don’t ask.

I’m a firm believer that documentation should reflect the character and attitudes of those who write it. I’m still trying to find a way to include “Pipe Wrench” in this morning’s work.

Gawdammit

Microwave: [DIES]

Dave: Welp.

Hannah: We were thinking about buying a new one.

Dave: Maybe it’s got a breaker on the back.

Microwave: “TERRIBLE DEATH IF YOU EVEN POINT A SCREWDRIVER AT ME!”

Dave: Yeah, not gonna risk a cap that could weld my finger to my thumb.

Hannah: You can totally go pick up another one on Thursday.

iFixit.com: Didja replace the fuse?

Dave: It has a fuse?

eBay: Here’s a guide! Did I mention I’ve got aftermarket parts?

Dave: Sooooo I should just disregard the warnings?

Hannah: What’s the worst that can happen? Dead microwave right?

Dave: And little bits of dave scattered all over the house.

Hannah: Just think of the satisfaction you’ll have when you fix it!

Dave: I do enjoy fixing things…

Scooter: DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED SOMETHING TO FIX?!

Scooter: [DIES]

School Spirit

Kid comes to the door: “Ya wanna buy chocolate for a dollar?”
No ‘Hi my name is’, no ‘I’m doing bla for school’, no warmup at all. Just ‘Buy my candy, bitch.’

OK sure I’ll play along. I’ll buy one of your shitty candybars kid. What’s this for?
“Jazz band.”
Nice. Whadya play?
“Bass.”
BASS! Hell yes! You know who Les Claypool is?
“Uh… no?”
WHAAAAAT?!
[QUEUE DAVE HARRASSING A POOR MIDDLESCHOOLER WITH PRIMUS VIDEOS FOR 15 MINUTES]