Gawdammit

Microwave: [DIES]

Dave: Welp.

Hannah: We were thinking about buying a new one.

Dave: Maybe it’s got a breaker on the back.

Microwave: “TERRIBLE DEATH IF YOU EVEN POINT A SCREWDRIVER AT ME!”

Dave: Yeah, not gonna risk a cap that could weld my finger to my thumb.

Hannah: You can totally go pick up another one on Thursday.

iFixit.com: Didja replace the fuse?

Dave: It has a fuse?

eBay: Here’s a guide! Did I mention I’ve got aftermarket parts?

Dave: Sooooo I should just disregard the warnings?

Hannah: What’s the worst that can happen? Dead microwave right?

Dave: And little bits of dave scattered all over the house.

Hannah: Just think of the satisfaction you’ll have when you fix it!

Dave: I do enjoy fixing things…

Scooter: DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED SOMETHING TO FIX?!

Scooter: [DIES]

School Spirit

Kid comes to the door: “Ya wanna buy chocolate for a dollar?”
No ‘Hi my name is’, no ‘I’m doing bla for school’, no warmup at all. Just ‘Buy my candy, bitch.’

OK sure I’ll play along. I’ll buy one of your shitty candybars kid. What’s this for?
“Jazz band.”
Nice. Whadya play?
“Bass.”
BASS! Hell yes! You know who Les Claypool is?
“Uh… no?”
WHAAAAAT?!
[QUEUE DAVE HARRASSING A POOR MIDDLESCHOOLER WITH PRIMUS VIDEOS FOR 15 MINUTES]

Weaponized Snacking

So I did a thing where I took a simple recipe and adapted it with a few changes and… aw hell.

I have been teaching myself to bake. First it was biscuits, then it was Focaccia, and now it’s this weird West Virginian thing called a “Pepperoni Roll.” I’m goaded into it by That Girl I Know, so blame her. It’s comin’ on the Holidays, and as the newly minted baker in the Taggart family it’s up to me to keep the table supplied with tasty shiznit. So today being a day off for me, I decided to do some experimentation.

This recipe is dangerous. Continue reading Weaponized Snacking

Farmer semantics

“Son, go get me some eatin’ cheese.”

I craned my neck backwards of the armrest of the couch and fixed one eye on my father. “What’d you call it?”

“Eatin’ cheese. I want some cheese to gnaw on, an’ I know your mother went to the store jus’ yestiday.”

“Yeah, that. What the hell is eatin’ cheese, dad? All cheese is meant to be ‘et.”

“No that ain’t true, there’s eatin’ cheese and then there’s cookin’ cheese.”

“Cookin… you mean shredded cheese, pop?”

“Yeah, that’s cheese you cook with.”

“Pop that’s ridiculous, I’ve seen you eat shredded cheese outta the package with both hands. All cheese is meant to be eaten. You wouldn’t say ‘Bring me some welding-cheese’ would you?”

My father sighed, and pointed to the Kitchen. Grumbling, I pulled myself out of the Dave-sized imprint in the couch and padded to the kitchen to fix a nosh plate.

“Bring some pickles and a couple beers while yer up!” he hollered from the living room.

Scooby Fuck-you

A grey floating fog grabbed hold of my right ankle and started to drag me bodily down the hall as my friends screamed and panicked. I saw the dim fluorescent blubs flickering overhead as we picked up speed, my jacket and shirt torn away so the tender flesh of my back began to skid against cold tile. There was a roaring, and I felt blood trickling across my face.

To which I mentally told myself, FUCK ALL THIS and curled my head up to my knees. I could hear my Pilates teacher screaming at me from beyond time, “PULL! PULLPULLPULL PULLLLL! SQUEEZE ALL THE THINGS! (Ho boy, hyou’re gonna really hate me for dees.) ENGAGE YEER MAASCLES!”

Thank you Mrs. Bollet, I thought as my hands reached up and plunged into the clammy velvetty mass of ectoplasm. I grabbed. I tore. I dug. I constricted. My faceless attacker let out a wail like a fog horn and collapsed, leaving me to skid a dozen feet on my ass. I gobbled and shoveled ghost-essence into my foam-ringed smacker, making noises not unlike a kitten feasting on an especially plump and blood-gorged mouse. I leaped from wall to wall grabbing chunks of ethereal flesh as they tried to wriggle away from my hungry wrath.

Finally, it was over. I burped a small puff of evil and patted my rotund stomach. Ken and Robin and especially Eric, all looked on with admiration and horror.

Make a teenage horror victim outta ME why don’tcha.

Homemade Glass Cleaner

Another really good homemade cleaner based on a recipe from Whole New Mom:

  • 0.25 cup Distilled White Vinegar
  • 0.25 cup Isopropyl Alcohol (AKA: Propanol, rubbing alcohol)
  • 1 tbsp Corn Starch (Allergies? Substitute tapioca or arrowroot powder.)
  • 1.5 cup Water
  • 3 to 5 drops Blue Food Coloring
  • Optional: 5 to 10 drops essential oil for scent

Combine in a general purpose spray bottle. Shake well before using, the corn starch will settle to the bottom of your container.

DIY Scouring Powder

From Wellness Mama, a simple and amazingly effective scouring powder recipe:

  • 1.0 cup baking soda
  • 0.5 cup coarse kosher salt
  • 0.5 cup borax

Combine and keep in an airtight container or mason jar. Great on kitchen and bathroom fixtures. Add a few drops of essential oils if you need a nice smell, make sure to shake thoroughly to combine. May settle over time, so always be sure to re-shake your compounds before use.

Better habits

Side effects of going without sweets, booze, meats, and processed grains for a month:

  • An avocado is a treasured treat.
  • Indian cuisine makes MUCH more sense.
  • You know hundreds of hidden names for carbohydrates.
  • Companies add sugar to ridiculous things, such as mustard and mayonnaise.
  • You can closely estimate weight and volume in both Metric and Imperial.
  • Going to bed hungry is no longer scary.
  • You wonder what ever made you like Wendy’s Hamburgers.
  • Cheese is amazing and you want it all the time.
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